One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as a parent is that my child’s emotions aren’t the only emotions in the room.
When he is having a tantrum, resisting something, or behaving in a way I want to stop, my first instinct is often to correct the behavior rather than understand what might be behind it.
Part of that comes from believing that, as his parent, it’s my job to teach him how to behave. But if I’m honest, I’m also sometimes reacting from my own frustration, embarrassment, or helplessness—or even feelings I’m carrying from something else going on in my life.
Over time, I’ve started paying more attention to our emotions as parents and the role they play in how we respond to our children. How can we help our children understand and regulate their emotions if we aren’t aware of what’s happening inside us?
When Our Own Emotions Take Over as Parents
Our children’s emotions often activate our own. Their frustration may trigger anxiety, while their resistance may bring up feelings of helplessness or a need for control.
I experienced this when my son used to cry and resist going to daycare. At first, I felt empathetic toward him. But after having the same struggle almost every morning—and having his teacher speak to me several times about the importance of consistent attendance—I began feeling ashamed and helpless that I couldn’t get him there consistently.
Eventually, that turned into frustration and anger. In those moments, I was really reacting from my own feelings and trying to make those uncomfortable emotions go away. But getting angry with him wasn’t helping either of us.
When I became curious about his perspective, I could see the situation differently. Maybe he didn’t like the long nap and quiet time. Maybe he simply preferred being at home and found separating from me difficult. And maybe I could even take that as a compliment.
Instead of focusing on how to stop his resistance, I started thinking about what might make daycare easier for him. I reassured him that his teachers would be there during nap time and that I would pick him up as soon as I could. I also made some adjustments to his schedule when I could. This wasn’t always great for my sanity, but it helped me respond to what he needed rather than simply reacting to my own frustration.
Dr. Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell make this point in Parenting from the Inside Out: before we can respond thoughtfully to our children, we first need to notice what’s happening inside us.
Emotional Regulation Starts With Us
This may sound obvious, but if we want our children to learn to regulate their emotions, we need to model what it looks like to regulate our own. Once we become more aware of what’s happening inside us, it can be easier to pause and become curious about what our child might be experiencing.
Sometimes simply noticing my emotions creates enough space for me to respond more calmly rather than reacting automatically. When I’m feeling heated, I try to pause whatever I’m doing, take a few deep breaths, soften my shoulders, and ask myself a few questions before turning my attention back to my child. It doesn’t usually take long to do this check-in, I promise.
- What am I feeling right now?
- What do I want to happen right now?
- What might my child be trying to communicate to me?
I’ve also noticed that the way I handle my emotions can shape how my son responds to me. When I’m tense or frustrated, he often becomes more reactive too. But when I’m able to stay calm and connected, it seems to help him settle. In this way, our emotions and responses can create a loop. By regulating our own emotions first, we can help shift that loop in a calmer direction.
Understanding Feelings Doesn’t Mean Giving In
In Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, Dr. John Gottman introduces an approach he calls Emotion Coaching. One thing I appreciate about this approach is that understanding and empathizing with a child’s feelings doesn’t mean giving up boundaries or accepting every behavior.
A child can be disappointed that it’s time to leave the playground, and we can still leave. A child can be angry at another child and still not be allowed to push.
The goal isn’t to make the feelings disappear. It’s to respect our child’s emotions while still holding the limits the situation requires.
For me, this distinction has been important. Becoming curious about my son’s feelings doesn’t mean that I always give him what he wants. It simply helps me understand what might be happening for him before deciding how I want to respond.
Repair When Repair Is Needed
I’m also learning that emotional awareness doesn’t mean I’ll always respond the way I want to.
Sometimes I don’t recognize what I’m feeling until after I’ve already reacted. I might raise my voice, become impatient, or say something I wish I hadn’t.
When that happens, I can still come back to my son, acknowledge what happened, apologize, and reconnect.
Before You Go…
Parenting gives us many opportunities to notice our own reactions, triggers, and patterns.
Our children’s emotions can tell us something about what they’re experiencing. But our reactions can also tell us something about ourselves.
The more aware we become of our own emotions, the more choice we have in how we respond. And as we learn to understand and regulate ourselves, we become better able to help our children understand and regulate their emotions too.