When children grow up with emotionally immature parents, their emotional needs often go unmet. They can’t change their parents. And they can’t simply decide to have different emotional needs. So they develop coping strategies.
In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, clinical psychologist Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson describes two coping styles that children often develop in response to emotional deprivation: internalizing or externalizing their problems.
Understanding which pattern you lean toward can help explain why you think, feel, and relate to others the way you do.
What is an Internalizer?
Internalizers tend to turn inward when faced with stress, disappointment, or emotional pain.
Instead of blaming other people, they ask themselves:
What did I do wrong?
What can I do differently next time?
As children, they may become especially attuned to other people’s emotions, learning to notice facial expressions, tone of voice, and subtle shifts in mood. They become experts at reading the room.
Many internalizers also become highly independent at an early age. Instead of expecting support from others, they learn to rely on themselves.
As adults, they tend to search for answers—to read books, seek therapy, listen to podcasts, or try to understand why they feel and behave the way they do.
If you’re reading this article, there’s a good chance you’re an internalizer.
Common Characteristics of Internalizers
You may be an internalizer if you:
- Take responsibility for problems, even when they aren’t entirely your fault
- Spend a lot of time reflecting on your thoughts and feelings
- Care deeply about other people
- Try to understand why people behave the way they do
- Feel responsible for keeping the peace
- Struggle to ask for help
- Tend to give more than you receive in relationships
Many internalizers become caregivers, helpers, teachers, coaches, therapists, or advocates because they genuinely care about other people.
Many of these qualities can become strengths in adulthood, but they can also come at a cost.
What is an Externalizer?
Externalizers respond differently. Instead of looking inward when something goes wrong, they tend to look outside themselves for explanations or solutions.
They may blame other people, circumstances, or external factors and have difficulty recognizing their own role in conflicts or problems.
Rather than sitting with uncomfortable feelings, they may look to other people to change the situation or make them feel better.
Common Characteristics of Externalizers
You may be an externalizer if you:
- Blame other people, circumstances, or external factors when problems arise
- Have difficulty accepting responsibility for mistakes
- Expect other people to solve your problems
- Struggle with self-reflection
- Become frustrated when things don’t go your way
- Have difficulty tolerating uncomfortable emotions
- Become defensive when challenged
Without self-awareness, externalizers may repeat the same patterns because they have difficulty recognizing how their own behaviour contributes to problems.
In some cases, these patterns can carry into parenting, making it harder to recognize and respond to a child’s emotional needs.
The Hidden Challenges for Internalizers and Externalizers
Many internalizers become exceptionally capable adults. From the outside, they often appear to have everything under control.
But underneath, they may struggle with:
- People-pleasing
- Perfectionism
- Anxiety
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Overthinking
- Emotional exhaustion
- Burnout
- Feeling unseen or unsupported
Many internalizers spend years taking care of everyone else before they realize they’ve neglected themselves.
Externalizers, on the other hand, may appear more confident or less burdened by self-doubt. But their tendency to look outside themselves when problems arise can create difficulties in close relationships.
Defensiveness, difficulty taking responsibility, and discomfort with vulnerable emotions can make genuine emotional intimacy harder to sustain.
Can You Have Both Internalizer and Externalizer Characteristics?
Most people tend to develop one primary coping style based partly on their temperament and personality. Like personality itself, however, internalizing and externalizing exist on a spectrum, and people may have characteristics of both.
Dr. Gibson notes that an internalizer may react as impulsively as an externalizer under severe stress. Likewise, after experiencing enough challenges and setbacks, some externalizers may become more open to self-reflection and change.
When faced with disappointment, conflict, or emotional pain, do you tend to look inward or outward?
Growing Beyond Childhood Coping Patterns
Your coping style helped you navigate your childhood. But the strategies that helped you as a child may not always serve you as an adult.
For internalizers, growth doesn’t mean becoming less caring, responsible, or empathetic. It means learning to direct some of that care toward yourself. It also means becoming more comfortable asking for help, depending on others when you need to, and recognizing that healthy relationships don’t require you to sacrifice yourself to keep the peace.
For externalizers, growth may mean becoming more comfortable looking inward. It can mean learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, reflect on your own behaviour, and take responsibility for your part when something goes wrong.
Ultimately, Dr. Gibson emphasizes that the goal isn’t to become an internalizer or an externalizer, but to develop a healthier balance between looking inward and looking outward—taking responsibility for what is ours while also recognizing what belongs to others.
If you saw yourself in this article, I highly recommend Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson’s book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. She explores these patterns in much greater depth and offers practical guidance for developing healthier relationships with emotionally immature parents.