Do you ever share something with your parents hoping they’ll understand, only to walk away feeling dismissed?
Maybe they tell you you’re overreacting. Maybe they immediately explain why you’re wrong. Or perhaps they remember an experience completely differently than you do.
You may find yourself explaining your feelings again and again, hoping that if you can just find the right words, they’ll finally understand.
I’ve found myself in this cycle too.
When We Keep Trying to Be Understood
It’s understandable that we keep trying. We naturally want the people closest to us—especially our parents—to understand how we feel and respond with care.
Feeling heard often involves both empathy and validation—someone trying to understand how we feel and acknowledging that our feelings make sense, even if they see the situation differently. We don’t need someone to agree with everything we say. Sometimes we simply want them to understand our experience and respond with care.
But when our feelings are repeatedly dismissed, feeling unheard can become a recurring pattern. This can be a common experience for adults who were raised by emotionally immature parents.
Why Emotionally Immature Parents May Struggle to Understand
Emotionally immature parents may struggle to see situations from another person’s perspective, especially when doing so requires them to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, admit mistakes, or acknowledge the impact of their behaviour.
Rather than acknowledging another person’s feelings, they may become defensive, minimize the experience, change the subject, or focus on whether the other person’s interpretation is correct.
This can happen during important conversations about the past.
But it can also happen in small, everyday moments.
I once told my mom, “I feel sick. I think I might have caught the virus that my son has.”
She replied, “He was sick a week ago. That can’t be it! You’re probably just feeling tired. I feel tired too.”
It was a simple interaction, but a response as small as, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well,” would have helped me feel cared for.
Looking back, I don’t think I was asking my mom to agree with my conclusion about where the illness came from.
I was simply looking for care and empathy.
Feeling Unheard Can Make Us Question Ourselves
When the people closest to us repeatedly dismiss our experiences, we may eventually begin doing it to ourselves.
Am I overreacting?
Am I being too sensitive?
Maybe I’m wrong.
Over time, we may lose confidence in our own thoughts and feelings and begin looking outside ourselves for confirmation that what we’re feeling is reasonable. This can affect our self-esteem, our decisions, and our relationships.
Becoming Curious
The next time you notice yourself doubting your feelings or perceptions, pause and ask:
Where is this self-doubt coming from? Is there evidence that I’m wrong, or have I simply become accustomed to questioning myself?
The goal isn’t to assume that we’re always right.
It’s to become curious about our own experience instead of automatically dismissing it.
Shifting Our Expectations
Eventually, we may come to a difficult crossroad.
We can continue hoping that each conversation will be different, or we can begin accepting that some relationships may not provide the emotional understanding we’re looking for.
It’s difficult to stop hoping that the people closest to us will respond with empathy, and understanding their limitations doesn’t necessarily make their responses hurt less.
But we don’t have to keep looking for all of our emotional support in relationships where we repeatedly feel unheard. We can invest more of our energy in friendships and relationships where empathy, curiosity, and understanding come more naturally.
